


The Slant of the Rooftop

by apartment



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before, Coming Out, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-05 07:59:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15859512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apartment/pseuds/apartment
Summary: Alec doesn't know how the letters got out, but suddenlyhe'sout, and Magnus Bane is asking him to be his fake boyfriend. In hindsight, Alec might've brought that last part on himself.aTo All the Boys I've Loved BeforeAUWhen he’s 13, Alec comes home after playing spin-the-bottle and writes his third letter addressed to one Magnus Bane, who has soft, gentle lips. It’s the raciest one yet.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if i could, the title of this fic would be [Anderson .Paak's part of Kaytranada's GLOWED UP] 
> 
> a quick note for a later chapter— alec's letters being read by others outs him to the recipients, and this is dealt in a couple convos through the fic. but alec is almost-ready to come out when this happens and everyone is supportive, so it doesn't have the degree of negative consequence it could've
> 
> also [lena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stolemyhheart/) wrote that first line, i just stole it cause im a thieving heathen

When he’s 13, Alec comes home after playing spin-the-bottle and writes his third letter addressed to one Magnus Bane, who has soft, gentle lips. It’s the raciest one yet.

He rewrites it later, even though the letter is just for his eyes, because one should never immortalize the fantasies of a hormonal eighth-grader with his hand shoved down his pants, especially when he’s on the verge of piecing together the mysteries of sexuality.

Spin-the-bottle hadn’t been a surprise—Alec could only be glad it wasn’t seven minutes in heaven—but the wild pounding of his heart and the tingling of his lips when Magnus kissed him had been… a revelation.

“Ew, gay!” someone had called in the background, but Alec ignored him as best as he could, his mind echoing: _Oh, so that’s what it’s like, that’s what this is, is it supposed to feel like that with another boy?_

And so he’d come home, wide-eyed and off-kilter, sat down at his desk, and written:

_Dear Magnus,_

_I’m pretty sure I’m gay._

Of course, it was followed by everything that had flashed through Alec’s mind during and after the kiss, on his long walk home, so it wasn’t exactly a fitting tribute to his new crush.

Because that’s what these letters were, _are_. A week before junior year of high school, Alec lays on his stomach on his bed and stares at the five letters in front of him, each addressed to a different guy. For the thousandth time, he thinks about coming out, about walking downstairs and announcing: “Mom, I’m gay.”

It would be so _simple_. And yet, it's anything but. Alec runs his hands over one of the names wistfully: _Jace Herondale_. Everything could change if he lived his life out of the closet, and that was a risk he couldn’t take.

So for now, these letters are all he has. They’re pieces of him, reminders of his feelings when he represses and compartmentalizes, and Alec clings to the memories and emotions that each evokes. At least here, Alec can be who he is openly.

The first was to Raj, a boy in Alec’s seventh-grade math class. At the time, Alec wasn’t sure what he was feeling; he just knew that sometimes he wanted to run his hands through Raj’s hair in a way that wasn’t clowning around, different from the rest of the boys his age. Raj helped Alec out in Algebra in exchange for a peek at his English essay, and young Alec saw it as a _moment_.

Alec laughs at it now, as he reads it over. The letter might be a bit childish, but it’s his journey to discovering himself, and it’s easy to treasure something like that.

The second is addressed to Jace Herondale. There’s frankly… a lot to unpack there. Alec doesn’t like him anymore, but he thinks that out of all his letters, this is the one that rings closest to heart. Jace: the boy next door, Alec’s best friend, and boyfriend of Clary Fairchild. It sends something bittersweet tumbling through him, reading, “ _I look at you sometimes, when you smile, or roll your eyes, or flip your hair out of your face. And I mean_ _look. I’m trying to figure out myself, and you’re a piece of the puzzle. But I do know that I love when you laugh at my jokes.”   _

And the third, of course, is to Magnus. Alec runs his hand over its envelope and flips it open almost reverently. This letter is his favorite to revisit. It’s all wide-eyed discovery and excitement, a confession of how the little gold specks in Magnus’ eyes made his heart flutter and how after that kiss, Alec finally _knew_.  

The fourth is to Underhill, the first openly gay student at Alec’s high school. One day freshman year, he’d looked and smiled at Alec as they passed each other in the halls, and Alec had picked up his pace so he was far gone by the time his cheeks blushed red. 

And the last one, written halfway through sophomore year, is addressed to Luke Garroway, who Alec believed was—still believes is, if he’s being honest—the hottest dad on this planet. Luke and his wife were good to Alec’s family when Robert left all those years ago, so the letter contains a combination of admiration and teenage lust.

Alec is halfway through reading it, scanning phrases like “I want to be like you” and “Thanks for tying my tie for Homecoming,” when a knock on his door interrupts. Isabelle pokes her head in curiously, ignoring how Alec scrambles to throw the letters into his box and hide it.

“Jace is here,” Isabelle announces. “He looks upset, but he wouldn’t say why.”

Alec nods. He untangles his legs from the sheets, subtly shoving the letter box onto the ground and sliding it under his bed, and follows Isabelle downstairs. “Do you think it’s Clary?” he asks.

“Probably,” Isabelle says with a shrug. “Isn’t it always?”

She bounds down the stairs and disappears into the computer room. Jace is sitting on the living room sofa, slouched over, and he doesn’t look up until Alec stands over him, looking down in concern.

Jace looks like he’s about to cry, and it’s such an unusual and alarming sight that Alec is momentarily stunned into silence. “Jace, you okay?” he manages eventually, when Jace says nothing.

“Alec,” says Jace, and even on that single word, his voice breaks. He ducks his head, sighing heavily, and visibly collects himself. “Clary broke up with me. She said long-distance wasn’t the best idea.”

Alec takes a moment to remind himself, ferociously tamping down on everything that’s not sympathy, that Jace might be single, but he’s still straight. And then he sits next to Jace, close enough so their shoulders touch, and offers what comfort he can.

“I’m sorry, Jace. I’m here for you, man,” he says. “Do you know why? I thought you two agreed to give it a try.”

Jace sighs and grimaces. “We did, but… it’s hard, and she’s moving across the entire country. I mean, I understand it. I just wish it wasn’t—.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that sucks,” Alec says. A beat, and he continues, “But we’re all here for you, okay? Even when the world feels like it’s ending, Izzy and I are both here for you. For anything you need.”

Jace shoots him a grateful, if watery, smile. “Thanks, Alec. I don’t know what I’d do without you. God, somehow I can’t wait for school to start now.”

Alec laughs. “Speak for yourself. I need another _month_ before I’m ready.”

And just like that, the subject is changed. Things between them are always like this: easy and quick and reliable. They chat about the upcoming year a little and gossip about their classmates and mutual friends. Alec finds out that _yep_ , Magnus and Camille are still a thing, and apparently they spent the summer canoodling around the city. Jace makes a couple crass comments that Alec can’t help but roll his eyes at.

Jace stays for dinner that night before trudging home, and Alec’s world falls into a hesitant peace once more. The week passes in a blur of sleeping in and lazing around, and before Alec knows it, the first day of his junior year is on the horizon.

That night, Alec revisits his letters one more time, like they’re his own personal cheerleaders. He steels himself for another year of ducking questions about why he’s single, or which girl he’s got on his mind, or who he thinks is hotter: Scarlett Johansson or Jennifer Lawrence.

 _It’s okay_ , Alec tells himself as he gets into bed. He pulls the cover around himself, warm and cozy, and tries not to shiver. He’s done this before; even considering the urge he has these days to come out, it’ll be easy to fall back into old habits. Sometimes it’s easier to act straight than it is to be gay, and this way, no one but his letters will be any wiser.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy binches 
> 
> i'm gonna update every 3-4 days i think hm

“Are you sure you should be driving? You look tired,” Isabelle asks. They’re stopped at a red, and she’s using the opportunity to double-check her makeup in the mirror.

“Would you rather walk?” asks Alec dryly. “Cause I can drop you off right now.”

Isabelle looks at him in mock-horror. “In these heels? Please.”

Alec rolls his eyes, slowly rolling off the brake pedal when the car in front of him moves. “Why would you wear that to school anyway?”

“No judging, Alec. It’s in the name of fashion.”

He sighs instead of replying, focusing on the road. The student parking lot is a treacherous place, and Alec has witnessed one too many accidents here to be relaxed. By the time he pulls into his spot, Alec’s had two close calls, only one of which wasn’t his fault, and he’s honestly exhausted. 7:30 a.m. is an unholy time.

He follows Isabelle into the building, slowly reacquainting himself with the stream of students heading the same direction, the chatter of friends catching up. At least this year, he’s technically an upperclassman.

He’s watching Isabelle’s heels, trailing in the path she blazes through the sea of students, which is why he immediately notices when Isabelle stops short. Alec looks up and nearly groans. Could his morning get any more tiresome?

“Camille,” Isabelle greets.

And Camille replies, “Isabelle.” She pauses, then flicks her eyes down Isabelle’s outfit to land on her shoes. “Suede heels? With that jacket? Really, Isabelle, I thought you’d know better.”

Alec’s irritation doubles immediately, and he grits his teeth to keep from replying; Isabelle can and does fight her own battles. She responds: “At least I can make a statement with my outfit, Ms. Lululemon.”

Camille scowls, but then her face lights up. She beckons at someone over Alec’s shoulder, and he turns to look in time to see Magnus Bane, boyfriend extraordinaire, materialize out of seemingly nowhere to cater to Camille’s whims.

“Baby, don’t you think Isabelle’s heels are tacky?” Camille sniffs. “Especially with that jacket.”  

“What?” says Magnus, looking between all three of them wildly. “Um.”

Isabelle scoffs, cutting off anything Magnus might’ve said. “Please, if your boyfriend took fashion advice from you, he wouldn’t look half as good as he does right now.”

Magnus looks momentarily delighted, and he says, “Why, thank you, Isabelle!” before Camille elbows him in the side. After that, he just looks awkward, like he’s as out of place as Alec.

He can see Magnus trying to make eye contact, as if to share in an exasperated “girls, amiright?” moment, but Alec keeps his head downturned a little bit. He very carefully doesn’t think about reading Magnus’ letter last night, feeling the words and emotions wash over him like a cocoon to protect him. At least acting straight saves him from being asked about things like shoes.

* * *

Unfortunately, acting straight cannot salvage Alec’s ability to drive. By the end of the day, Alec is ready to crash onto his bed and vegetate—nothing is more exhausting than playing ice breaker games. Isabelle is silent next to him, occupied on her phone.

Alec starts the car, slowly backing it up. He doesn’t get far before a loud bang sounds from the back of his car. Alec slams on the brakes, turning his head to see what happened. And then, _are you serious?_ , Magnus is making his way to the driver side window, flicking his sunglasses up so he can peek through the glass.

“Sorry!” Alec calls as he lowers his window.

“You know, Alec, most people at least check their mirror before reversing.” Magnus leans his head further down and into the car a little, resting his forearms on the bottom of the window frame. “Nice to see you, Isabelle.”

“Heya, Magnus. Thanks for not getting hit. Don’t hold Alec’s driving against him though; he’s doing his best.”

“Hey!” protests Alec, while Magnus chuckles, close enough to Alec’s ear that he can hear it over the clamor of the parking lot outside. Alec fights a furious blush, glaring at Isabelle and avoiding looking at Magnus, who feels like he’s only _inches_ away.

“Just be careful,” says Magnus as he leans away. “I’ll see you later, Lightwoods.”

“Seeya!” Isabelle calls, and Alec echoes it a little softer. Then she turns to him. “Seriously, Alec, why are you so bad at driving?”

Alec rolls his eyes and taps out a beat on the steering wheel. He checks his rearview mirror, waiting for the cars to clear out behind him, and the slow-moving standstill he sees does nothing for his mood. “It’s cause I’m gay,” he grumbles. He throws the car into Park and throws his head back against the headrest with a huff.

“What are you doing?” Isabelle asks tentatively.

Alec glances over at her. “Waiting.”

“For every car to leave?!”

“No! Just for like… this general area,” he gestures vaguely.

“Dios mío,” she groans. There’s a long moment of silence, in which Alec thinks he’ll finally have some peace and quiet. Then Isabelle forges on: “You know, Alec, you should really get a boyfriend.”

Alec sputters, taken aback, and looks at her incredulously. “What? Why would I—?”

“No, really!” She turns to him with eyes so earnest Alec realizes she truly _is_ serious. “Alec, you’ve never even had a _secret_ boyfriend. Even if you’re not out of the closet, there are plenty of people who aren’t ready to come out, too.”

“What? Where is this even coming from, Iz? I don’t want to have some sort of… dirty little secret. It’s not that I’m _not_ ready to come out… I just… can’t.”

Alec knows it’s contradictory, but he can’t help his feelings on the matter. He’s certainly come to terms with his sexuality, and it’s not something he actively represses anymore. But he’s not a sexual _person_ , in general, and for the most part, his sexuality plays no part in his daily existence. It doesn’t matter that he’s gay if he doesn’t want to date regardless.

“Okay,” says Izzy, dragging it out. She eyes him curiously. “Alec, look. I know it’s difficult to come out. And I’m not going to push you if it’s really not what you want. But you’ve been talking about it for the past few months.”

Alec checks his rearview mirror and, satisfied with the lack of cars behind him, begins to back out slowly. Isabelle lets him do so in silence, allowing him to mull over her words. It’s true; he has been thinking about coming out recently, but something—call it habit, call it fear—has held him back.

“I don’t know, Iz,” he sighs. “I just don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t know _how_ to know.”

“Then that’s totally fine,” she says, but follows it with a small sigh. “But Alec, don’t you want to experience everything—romance, dating, flirting—here, in high school, when it’s safe?”

Alec scoffs. “What about dating in high school is ‘safe?’”

“It is!” she insists. “The stakes are lower, and there’s less expected of you. Alec, it’s a good time to be adventurous, get out of your comfort zone.”

“What about you and Meliorn, are the stakes low on that?”

“Yes, actually. I don’t know if we’ll make it to graduation, and I definitely don’t know if we’ll do long-term at that point. We’re in high school, Alec, it’s a good time to learn things about yourself you can only know from being in a relationship.”

Alec doesn’t know what to say to that. He frowns, thinking, and returns his focus to the road. “We’ll talk about this later, when I’m not driving,” he says after a minute.

“Sure, whatever works,” says Isabelle. He sees her smile at him, something soft and fond, before turning on the radio.

Fifteen minutes later, Alec pulls into their driveway and sees Max sitting on their front porch, having arrived earlier on the bus. He’s slumped over with his backpack in his lap but bounds up when Alec park the car, waving excitedly.

“Max!” he calls, turning off the engine and getting out. “Sorry we’re late.”

“Alec had to wait until everyone else left the parking lot,” Isabelle chimes in gleefully. “How was your first day?”

“It was good,” says Max, and he begins rambling about some of his teachers and his new classroom. Alec tunes most of it out as he unlocks the door, but he catches some bits about new desks.

“That’s nice,” he says vaguely, making his way to the kitchen. “Do you two want something to eat?”

“I’m good,” says Isabelle. She moves towards the stairs, then turns back. “Alec, we’ll keep talking about it later, right? Just think about it.”

“Think about what?!” asks Max, immediately excited.

Alec sighs, shooting Isabelle a glare. He doesn’t really want to bother with this right now, but Max is unstoppable once he sets his mind to finding something out, and Alec doesn’t want this to continue into the evening, when their mom is home.

“Nothing, Max. Isabelle’s just trying to convince me to find a boyfriend.”

“Cool,” says Max. “You should.”

“Easier said than done, little guy,” Alec laughs, exasperated.

Max doesn’t reply behind him, but Alec thinks nothing of it. He turns around, rummaging around in the cabinets until he finds the pans he needs to make a quick snack; after his day at school, he needs an energy boost. But this all means Alec misses Max’s face scrunching up in thought, the glint of an idea forming.

* * *

Alec is on his cool-down lap, walking the track at a decent pace, when he hears someone calling his name.

“Alec!” Magnus says again. “Can I talk to you?”

“Oh, um, yeah,” says Alec, slowing down.

The first thing Alec notices is that Magnus looks slightly concerned, more serious than normal. But he also can’t help the quick once-over he gives Magnus, noting an outfit that looks way too hot for this weather and yet, almost magically, still unruffled.

The last thing Alec notices, before his brain comes to a complete standstill, is the lavender envelope Magnus is holding, so familiar he could identify it from a mile away.

_Oh my god._

At first, Alec doesn't really register the reality of Magnus, holding the letter that contains Alec's most private feelings and approaching him. But like a ticking time bomb, after a few seconds, it strikes Alec all at once. He panics. He can feel it rising through his body, catching in his throat, making his head swim. There’s a roaring in his ears that makes it hard to hear, but he vaguely registers that Magnus is saying something.

“It’s flattering, of course, and I always wondered whether you were into men, and it’s truly heartfelt and brave that you wrote a letter like this, but again, it just can’t happen right now. Camille and I just broke up, and I’m just not in a position to—.”

“Where did you get that?” Alec interrupts.

Magnus blinks, confused. “What?”

“Where did you—,” he tries repeating, but his tongue is heavy in his mouth. Alec feels faint. “Oh my god.”

“Alec!” he hears. Alec and Magnus turn simultaneously. It’s Jace, heading their direction through the stream of students. Even from a distance, Alec can see his furrowed eyebrows and frown, and he has no desire to find out if it’s from the people Jace is crashing into or the… _yep_ , envelope clutched tightly in his hand.

 _How does everyone know my schedule?,_ Alec thinks distantly, but it’s soon the last thing on his mind.

He feels like he’ll implode if Jace speaks to him right now. Especially after the day before yesterday, when he told Jace that he’d be there for him. God, Alec has ruined everything.

Jace breaks through the crowd, finally free to stomp his way over to them. Alec glances around wildly, searching for an out, but all that’s near him is Magnus, looking confused and apprehensive.

 _Fuck_ , Alec thinks. He’s moving before he really registers what he’s doing. Alec closes the distance between him and Magnus, and grabbing ahold of his jacket, pulls Magnus in.

He kisses him, just a press of their lips together, but Magnus’ bottom lip is between Alec’s, and everything around them seems to come to a screeching halt. Magnus gasps in surprise, and it parts their lips just the slightest amount. A beat, then two, and suddenly Alec’s brain reboots. _Oh my god_.

He jumps back hastily, his eyes wide, and sees that Magnus’ expression mirrors his own. They stare at each other in surprised silence for a second.

The moment Magnus opens his mouth to speak, Alec cuts in: “Sorry,” he blurts. He turns away and sees that Jace has disappeared. Alec takes a step away, then another, leaving Magnus on the track. “I have to go. Sorry, um, bye.”

He half-walks, half-runs from the track, melding quickly into the crowd of students entering the main building, but he hardly registers his surroundings. There’s a sickening sense of fear clawing at his insides, choking him. Alec can’t think. He can’t _breathe_.

His lips might be tingling, but he can’t really tell over the bile rising in his throat.

The letters are out. _He’s_ out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoa an update so soon? miraculous 
> 
> here's an angsty chapter, diner scene w/ magnus next time ;)

The next thing Alec knows, he’s in a bathroom stall, fighting to keep his breathing under control. Caught up as he was in his panic, he must have been operating on autopilot. Alec leans his forehead against the wall of the stall; it’s probably disgusting, but Alec can’t find it in him to care.

His head is swimming, _drowning_ , in echoes of fear and anxiety and confusion. All this time, he’s thought he’d been ready to come out—or almost, at the very least—but to have it sprung on him like this. He _wasn’t_ ready.

Alec swallows thickly and takes a few deep breaths, hoping they’ll help calm his nausea. He doesn’t even know if Magnus will keep the letter and its contents to himself. And _no_ , if Jace received his letter, too, did that mean that Raj and Underhill and Luke did as well?

Alec doesn’t even know them that well; he can hope Magnus and Underhill will keep things under wraps because they’ll understand the severity of the situation if he explains that the letters weren’t purposeful, but he has no guarantees with Raj. Alec hasn’t even talked to him in three years.

As a fresh wave of fear rolls over him, Alec clenches his eyes shut tightly. His jaw aches where he’s been gritting his teeth, and Alec is distantly aware that he’s trembling, his body somehow exhausted.

How could this happen to him? He’s always been so careful; those letters are for him. A place for him to be who he is. It’s like a violation of his very core, of everything he _thought_ was safely hidden. Alec feels like crying, and the moment he’s aware of this fact, he feels hot tears burning in his eyes, against his eyelids.

Alec hears the bathroom door open, and he freezes, trying to stay as quiet as possible. Hopefully whoever it is will be quick; Alec really doesn’t want to be that person crying in a bathroom stall between third and fourth period.

His hopes are dashed, and his panic renewed, when he hears: “Hey, Lightwood, you in here?”

It’s Raj. Impossibly, Alec freezes even further. He takes a steadying breath and hopes his voice doesn’t waver when he replies, just loud enough to be heard, “What?”

“Hey,” says Raj. He sounds surprised and more than a little awkward. “Um, I got your letter. It’s nice and all. Just… you know I’m straight, right?”

Alec can’t take this. He roughly swipes his hands over his eyes, and when they come away dry, he steels himself and pushes the stall door open. Raj startles at the sudden movement, but Alec doesn’t look at him. He leans over one of the sinks, ducking his head so he doesn’t catch his reflection, and splashes some water on his face.

After a moment, he replies, still leaning over the sink. “I know,” he shakes his head. “It doesn’t mean anything, Raj. It was such a long time ago. I was just a kid trying to figure out some shit.”

Raj stays quiet for even longer than Alec did. The silence exacerbates his nerves, but he both relaxes and tenses when Raj finally speaks. “Lightwood… you okay?”

For a moment, Alec doesn’t know how to reply. But honestly? Fuck it. Raj has read his fucking letter spilling all of Alec’s guarded feelings. Why should he act strong now? Eventually, Alec lands on: “No.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Alec sees Raj cross his arms, clearly discomfited. “You didn’t mean to send me the letter, did you? I mean, I sorta figured from the fact that you wrote it, like, five years ago, but seeing you now…,” he trails off.

Alec shrugs, feeling just as awkward as Raj. At least he’s not on his own, spiraling and overthinking things.

“For what it’s worth,” Raj says. “I won’t tell anyone. If this is something you want to keep to yourself, well, no one will hear it from me.”

Tension drains from Alec’s body, not entirely, but enough to make him feel significantly better in the moment. He shoots him a quick grateful half-smile. “Thanks,” he says.

Raj nods in response. He gestures vaguely at the door, and says, “I’m gonna go. But, uh, Lightwood? Just a bit of advice, but maybe, go home? You look a wreck, and it’s not like you’d be paying attention to anything anyway.”

Surprised, Alec manages a small huff of a laugh. Raj is probably right; Alec’s productivity for the day is officially shot. And he really must look a mess, if Raj can tell just how awful he’s feeling without knowing the whole story.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Alec agrees. “Thanks, Raj.”

“No problem,” says Raj. He turns to leave, then pauses. Raj swings his backpack to the front, so he can dig through it, and begins rummaging through one of the smaller compartments. “Here, I figured you’d want this back.”

He hands his letter back to Alec, who takes it with numb fingers. Seeing the envelope of the letter, which had never been sealed, now cut open across the top. There’s even a new stamp he doesn’t recognize.

“Thanks,” says Alec distantly.

“Yeah. See ya ‘round, Lightwood.” Then Raj is gone, back into the now-quiet hallways of the school.

Alec doesn’t cry as he stares at the letter in his hand, the very first he ever wrote. He doesn’t read it over either, unable to even imagine opening the envelope when it's torn open. Instead, he stands there leaning against the sink, still and quiet.

* * *

Eventually, when Alec makes his feet move, he heads towards the parking lot. He doesn’t want to be that student playing hooky on the second day, but needs must.

Before he leaves, Alec texts Isabelle: _smth came up, i’m going home early. can u get a ride?_

Isabelle doesn’t text back before he’s pulling out of the parking lot, but he figures she knows enough upperclassmen to find someone.

The first stop Alec makes isn’t actually home; it’s Clary’s house. They just moved a few days ago, so Alec’s not sure if the postal service would have registered their new address yet.

Sure enough, when Alec peeks in their mailbox, there are a few stacks of coupons and— _yes! —_his letter to Luke. Alec takes a single moment to praise whatever deity exists as he pulls it out of the mailbox and shoves it into his backpack, unopened and safe.

For the first time since the track earlier, Alec feels like he can breathe. Things are still… a clusterfuck, but at least he knows one of his letters hasn’t been sent out. Although he still doesn’t know about Underhill.

Just as Alec thinks it, his phone vibrates in his pocket, signally a text from an unknown number. Somehow, Alec just knows it’s from Underhill.

He unlocks his phone and reads:

_hey Alec, it’s Underhill. I got your number from Mark, hope that’s okay. didn’t see you in class today so thought i’d text. just wanted to let u know that i got your letter, but from the date I figure it was more a passing thing. And that since you haven’t come out publicly, everything in it is safe with me. we can meet up tmrw so i can give it back to you if you want._

_also, I just wanna say that I support you and that I think the letters are a rly cool way of figuring out sexuality_

Thank the universe for small mercies. Alec lets out a small, shuddering breath and leans his head against his steering wheel, pressing his forehead into it. It takes him a moment to collect himself, the relief slowly winding its way through his veins. Now he only needs to deal with Magnus and Jace.

He has two missed calls from Jace, which he’s studiously ignoring, but there’s been no word from Magnus. Especially after—fuck—that kiss on the track earlier. Alec honestly can’t even remember what he was thinking, _if_ he was thinking.

How could he think kissing Magnus was a good idea? Now Alec will have to explain to him that it meant nothing. Talk about awkward conversations.

Alec is wrung out. He’s not unraveling anymore, but he feels loose at the seams. He hates this off-kilter unsteadiness, the unsureness of the whole situation. Alec’s always prided himself on his discipline, even in the form of repression, but now the cat’s out of the bag and he’s never felt less in control.

Drained and exhausted, Alec navigates the quiet streets, grateful there’s no mid-day traffic. When he lets himself into an empty house, Alec makes his way upstairs, grateful for the chance to investigate without interruption.

Sure enough, the box containing his letters is gone. If he wasn’t all-panicked-out, Alec would think it was his mom who found the letters, in what was once his worst case scenario. But no, she wouldn’t send them out if she found them, and she certainly wouldn’t have kept silent about it.

Isabelle would never, especially after their conversation yesterday, and Max doesn’t even know the letters exist. Alec has no clue how they got sent out. Did he accidentally throw them out? Or did someone else mix them in with the mail?

Regardless of how they were sent out, and despite the reassurances from the recipients, Alec is sure the contents of the letters will spread to the rest of his classmates eventually. Such is the manner of high school: every best friend has a best friend they confide in, and soon the whole building knows.

He sighs, frustrated and flops onto his bed face-first. Isn’t screaming into your pillow supposed to make you feel good? Alec thinks about it, but he honestly feels as if he expresses any amount of emotion right now, he’ll lose it. The only thing keeping him together is his composure.

Still, it’s been a long fucking day. Alec thinks he’s allowed one little crack. He breathes, so quiet he hardly hears himself: “Fuck.”

It’s not enough, not nearly enough, and in the space between that realization and his desire to just let it out, Alec realizes he’s crying. It comes over him suddenly, a tidal wave of fatigue and devastation and misery. He’s not panicked, not anymore; instead, there’s only an immense, seemingly infinite anguish, stemming from the deepest parts of himself.

Alec feels as if someone has overrun his very skin and pillaged everything within, leaving only a vast and cloying emptiness inside. Is it possible to grieve the loss of someone he sometimes wished didn’t even exist? R.I.P Straight Alec, who protected a poor closeted boy who felt small and unsure and unwanted.

He loses track of time, soaking the sheets with his tears and saliva and snot. It’s gross and _he_ feels gross. He feels fucking disgusting, but he’s too tired to move. Alec’s shoulders shake so much they hurt, from stress or from the sobs, he doesn’t know.

Then, muffled, from outside: “Alec! Alec, I know you’re in there, man! Can you just talk to me?”

It’s Jace. Alec freezes, still unsure. He’s a mess, clearly, and he doesn’t want to face Jace right now. But he knows he owes him an explanation and apology, at the very least. Alec imagines it: pulling the door open to let Jace in, watching Jace take in his shambled appearance, having to explain the letters to him, _coming out_.

 _No_. No, he won’t. He won’t do anything else he doesn’t want to.

The sentiment resonates through him. Alec pulls himself together, all at once, like snapping out of a nightmare. He wipes his face with a clean section of his bedsheet and sorts himself out. Grabbing his phone and wallet, Alec props open his bedroom window and crawls onto the back porch roof. He’s never used it for sneaking out before, but he’s occasionally spent some time out here, gazing out into the night sky.

Slowly making his way to the edge, Alec is briefly grateful for his height, which allows him to lower himself down to the ground without too harsh a landing. He waits a few moments, wondering if Jace heard anything, and then makes his way around the edge of his house.

It only takes a few seconds, but Alec’s heart pounds wildly the entire time, and as he jogs down the street, keeping out of sight, Alec realizes that his body can’t take much more stress. He already feels like shit; it’s just a matter of time before something gives.

Alec just wants a hug. He feels so shaken, as if only someone’s arms around him can hold him together. He just wants to go back _home,_ to talk to his mom when she arrives.

But that’s tonight, when Jace has hopefully given up. When Alec can be Straight Alec again until he decides he doesn’t want to. For now, the next best comfort is a milkshake from Jones’, the diner just a few blocks away. Not the best to walk to and from, but Alec will make do.

He swallows a fresh set of tears, shoves his hands in his pockets, and forges on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha sry for the angst 
> 
> anyway, it goes w/o saying but never out someone, even to your best friend, even to your SO, even to your most trusted confidant. even if the person in question is actually ready to come out themselves, never take it on yourself to take that step for them. just don't out anyone ever, the consequences can be devastating and violating
> 
> thanks and leave a comment! how do y'all feel abt scrapping the no-kiss contract ;--------)

**Author's Note:**

> im gonna try to update on a p quick schedule cause once i get started on a fic like this, it just sorta happens esp when certain ppl r pressuring me 2 finish (thx lena) 
> 
> drop a comment or something! 
> 
> you can chat with me about manyyyyy fandoms, tv, movies, and games over at my [tumblr](http://apartmented.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/inviq). come be friends!


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